Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Day 3. Sigh.

I woke up this morning feeling (in retrospect) overly optimistic.  Though I was still rolling my eyes at myself over the whole "feet on the chairs" incident yesterday, I still found myself thinking, "this is going to easier than I thought."  Famous last words.

Does anyone else have weird birthday issues?  I like birthdays.  I like my birthday.  And I have certain ideas about how I would like my birthday to go.  Having someone sort of...forget...doesn't fit with my plan.  Now, in the someone's defense, he is not a birthday person.  Doesn't even like his own birthday.  And he didn't truly, entirely, forget.  It's just that some folks' idea of celebrating a person's birthday entail getting up the morning of said birthday and running around like crazy trying to pull something together.  And all the while I'm thinking that if you truly love someone, you would of course have been planning for weeks for that person's birthday.  Or at least for days.  Or, okay, maybe just the day before???

Unfortunately, this morning was a bad morning for someone.  He has been working really, really hard for the past two days, and went to bed sick last night.  Woke up with a fever.  Poor guy.  I truly did feel bad for him.  Didn't want him to go to Starbucks and get me a cup of coffee.  Didn't want him to have to run around trying to make the day special for me.  But I could feel myself building up resentment...because he wouldn't be in this predicament if he had done anything about it before today!  So he (and several of his little minions) still did a bit of running around trying to make something special, but I had already closed my heart to it and decided to be mad.  My feelings were hurt.  Some old wounds (having nothing to do with him) were opened.

Yes, I know how selfish this all sounds.  I wanted to skip posting today, but I decided to just put it all out there.  Because confession if good for the soul, right?  And because maybe someone else can relate to this a bit.

How unfair is this to my husband?  What sort of burden am I placing on his back by measuring his love for me according to his capacity to meet some largely unspoken standards about my birthday, of all things?  What sort of unreasonable burden am I placing on him if I expect him in any way at all to meet my deepest satisfy my longings and heal my wounds?  I seriously sat in my room and cried this morning, drinking my coffee and nursing my hurt, but two thoughts kept coming to me over and over and over, and I finally had to get up and write.  The first is a scripture verse:

"And my God shall supply every need of yours according to His riches in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:19.

My God shall supply every need.  Why, oh why, am I looking to anyone else to supply my needs?  And why on earth should I be hurt or angry when someone else fails to do it?  Do I meet my husband's every need?  Not even close.  Do I truly feel thankful and blessed at the efforts he makes to love and care for me?  Not nearly enough.  Do I encourage his efforts...however lacking my selfish heart might perceive them as...or do I let him know that he is not measuring up to my standards (standards which I could never meet myself)?  By now we all know the answer to that question.  Selfish heart...when will you learn? 

And here is the second thing that kept coming to me this morning; this verse from a song by John Newton:

When Satan appears
To stop up our path,
And fills us with fears,
We triumph by faith;
He cannot take from us,
Though oft he has tried,
The heart-cheering promise,
"The Lord will provide." 

He tells us we're weak,
Our hope is in vain;
The good that we seek
We ne'er shall obtain;
But when such suggestions
Our faith thus have tried,
This answers all questions,
"The Lord will provide." 

No strength of our own,
Nor goodness we claim;
Our trust is all thrown
On Jesus' dear name.
In this our strong tower
For safety we hide;
The Lord is our power,
"The Lord will provide." 

The Lord will provide.  And now that I have written all of this down, I'm ready to get back to my fast.  Did I fail today?  Ummm...horribly.  I'm not sure how I'm going to have a "do-over" in this situation.  I'm ashamed of myself.  I'm trusting, though, not in my strength, or my goodness, but "in Jesus' dear name."  

Maybe I'll have a better report for Day 4.  But on the other hand, I don't want to record this day as a failure if the Lord has spoken to me through it.  And He has, so I'm moving on.

Oh, and I can't end this without adding this disclaimer:  my husband is wonderful and loves and cares for me in countless ways.  I did admit right at the beginning that I have weird birthday issues, remember?

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