Monday, April 15, 2013

Day 15...Tired.

I'm still here, and still "fasting" (or trying to).  Today marks the half way point.  I have a half-written post from Day 10 which I'll try to finish tomorrow...but I'm just really tired.  Been battling with insomnia for the past week or so, and it's catching up with me.  I've had trouble with insomnia off and on for years, but I've been blessed with several months of good sleeping...until now.

But here's the surprising thing.  Usually when I'm sleep deprived, my tongue is at it's sharpest.  Lack of sleep seems to feed every bad heightens irritability and depression, lowers self-control, and fogs the mind.  I'll admit I'm feeling quite foggy, but I am honestly just humbled by the fact that I have not felt irritable or edgy with the children (or Jim).  I've had a couple of moments when I had to ask them to cut back on the decibels a bit while they were playing.  But overall I have just felt...patient.  I am willing to say that this is miraculous.  I feel as if the Lord is carrying me, almost...above all of it somehow.  That He is blessing my desire to please him and to bless my family.  I'm feeling deeply thankful and very, very much aware of how much I am dependent on His strength.  Within the first few days of this "fast", I was listening to a recording of Noel Piper, talking about Sarah Edwards.  Sarah was Jonathan Edwards wife, and I love reading/hearing about her.  Noel Piper was recounting a story about a time in Sarah Edward's life when she had a particularly intense encounter with the Lord, which seemed to be life-changing for her.  It was in the midst of a very difficult time in her life, and Noel Piper shared that the story reminded her of the lyrics of a song...which happens to be one of my very favorite songs.  I've pasted the lyrics below, because they have seemed to be the theme of my last two weeks.  I cannot read the words without tears, and they are especially meaningful to me now after the last many nights without sleep.  If the Lord has brought this insomnia on...I'll welcome more.  It has caused me to recognize more deeply than ever that He is with me...He loves me...He desires good for me.  Perhaps I might have convinced myself that I could harness my tongue and change my life on my own strength.  Tonight I am gratefully unable to do that...because I know that it is only the Lord who has kept me from falling over recent days.  I'm going to sleep (or at least to bed!) with these words tonight:

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvellous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.

Sorry if this is less than coherent.  Blessings.  :)

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