Sometimes I'm scared

I'm sure everyone who's in the process of adopting, or considering adoption, or probably even after they've adopted, has experienced fear. There are a lot of scary things about adoption. One of the things I fear is that one day our son, in a state of rebellion, will cry out to me, "You're not my REAL MOM!"

Now I realize that the heart of the child who might cry out these words is really no different than that of any child (adopted or not) trying to find an expression for anger or frustration. And if he says it he probably won't mean it. But I have still tried to prepare myself for how I might react when there's a moment one day when our son questions our role as his parents. The reason this all came into my heart this morning, though, is because I read the lyrics to a hymn (written in 1664 by Samuel Crossman). It pointed me to this truth: I am just like that adopted child who, out of anger, or frustration, or fear, or just plain sin, at some point (or many) rejects my adoptive Father. Read this:

My Song is Love Unknown

My song is love unknown,
My Saviour’s love to me;
Love to the loveless shown,
That they might lovely be.
O who am I, that for my sake
My Lord should take frail flesh and die?

He came from His blest throne
Salvation to bestow;
But men made strange, and none
The longed-for Christ would know:
But O! my Friend, my Friend indeed,
Who at my need His life did spend.


Sometimes they strew His way,
And His sweet praises sing;
Resounding all the day
Hosannas to their King:
Then “Crucify!” is all their breath,
And for His death they thirst and cry.


Why, what hath my Lord done?
What makes this rage and spite?
He made the lame to run,
He gave the blind their sight,
Sweet injuries! Yet they at these
Themselves displease, and ’gainst Him rise.


They rise and needs will have
My dear Lord made away;
A murderer they save,
The Prince of life they slay,
Yet cheerful He to suffering goes,
That He His foes from thence might free.


In life, no house, no home
My Lord on earth might have;
In death no friendly tomb
But what a stranger gave.
What may I say? Heav’n was His home;
But mine the tomb wherein He lay.


Here might I stay and sing,
No story so divine;
Never was love, dear King!
Never was grief like Thine.
This is my Friend, in Whose sweet praise
I all my days could gladly spend.

(You can listen to part of this hymn here.)

So what do I have to fear? Over and over we reject our Father because of doubt, fear, pride, etc. Or because we're turning to any number of "idols that we don't think are idols." But He is grace upon grace. I know that I will fail sometimes as our son's Mom (I do with the four I have now). But I want to be like my adoptive Father, and love unconditionally. (I know, I know...I can't do it right). But I'm going to try to pursue it without fear. To cling to the JOY that is in it instead. Knowing that my Father loves me, and he loves my son. Through this adoption process God is revealing the depth of His love for me as I have never grasped it before.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear. I John 4:18.