Somehow over the last several months I have been getting hungrier and hungrier. Maybier "thirstier" would be a better analogy, but honestly hunger just seems to fit the way I feel. I think it is what finally prompted us to start the adoption process (after years of talking about it), and I think the process of moving toward adoption has just whet my appetite. I feel God's pleasure in it. And I feel that I know Him more because of it. And it's just leading me to be hungrier and hungrier.
This is not just about adoption. It's about becoming dissatisfied by things that just aren't satisfying. It's about developing an appetite for things that are unspeakably satisfying. I remember a description in The Last Battle (from the Chronicles of Narnia).The children in the story had entered into Aslan's land (though they didn't know it yet) and hesitantly tasted the fruit of a tree there. And "if you had eaten that fruit, all the nicest things in this world would taste like medicines after it." I am experiencing a little taste of that fruit. And I want more. And I don't want to go back to being satisfied with any less.
What I'm understanding more and more (by God's grace alone)is what it really means to say that we can't hold on to God and the world at the same time. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? (Matt. 16:26) I would always have said that I believed those words, but without really deeply understanding them. Without knowing what it really meant to let go of the world, or to truly taste life.
I can't say that I'm doing it well. I daily find myself holding on to worthless things and failing to run after the real treasure. But my appetites are changing. There are a lot of things that I used to think were important, and perhaps even necessary for my happiness. And I didn't see any conflict between desiring those things and saying that I desired God. Many of those things are just part of living in the culture that I live in, and I mostly felt okay about wanting them. But the funny thing is...a lot of those things just don't taste good anymore.
Really it's a lot like my diet. We eat a pretty healthy diet at our house, but occassionally I just crave fast food. I know it's bad for me, but every now and then I convince myself that a little "fix" won't hurt. Once I get ahold of it though...every single time...it just isn't what I thought it would be. Maybe the first few bites taste good, but I really don't want to finish it. And I always regret it. It just makes me appreciate it even more when I get back to our normal (healthy) fare, and I recognize how much better it tastes and makes me feel. So I still find myself craving things of this world sometimes, and even giving in to them. But the more I turn away from them, the more God whets my appetite for what He has for me. Just a taste for now, really. But when I get those little tastes, I can hardly even imagine what's to come.
O Taste and see that the Lord is good.
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him?
O fear the Lord, you His saints;
For to those who fear Him there is no want.